Co-Founder Relationships That Can Navigate Anything
Alex Lieberman co-founded Morning Brew and helped build it into a 200-person, $75 million a year business.
But for eight years, he carried a story that he was the weak link. That his success was luck. That his co-founder Austin was the real talent, and Alex was just along for the ride.
When he shared this with me in a coaching session, I asked a simple question: "Have you ever shared this story with your co-founder?"
He hadn't. Not once in eight years.
So I asked him to. A few days later, they got on the phone. Two and a half hours later, Alex learned that the story he'd been telling himself for nearly a decade wasn't true. Austin saw him as invaluable to the company's success.
Imagine if Alex had that conversation eight years earlier. All the stress that would have saved.
Choosing a great co-founder matters (I covered that here). But knowing how to maintain the relationship once you're in it matters just as much.
And when you get it right, every conflict actually strengthens it, and over time, there's almost nothing you can't navigate together.
The Withhold, Withdraw, Project Cycle
There's a pattern from the work of Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, that plays out in co-founder relationships constantly. It's called Withhold, Withdraw, Project.
It works like this.
You withhold your truth. A frustration, a fear, a story you're telling yourself. Simply because you have that withhold, you naturally withdraw and disconnect from the other person.
And once you're disconnected, you start seeing them through the lens of your projections. Whatever story you're making up, you see them through that lens. You gather more and more evidence that you're right. And you're not even seeing them as they are anymore. You're seeing them through your projected story.
Over time, this builds a huge disconnection in the relationship. Withholds build up, resentment accumulates, and every unrevealed thought or feeling widens the gap.
Without a shared commitment to candor, it's incredibly easy to fall into this cycle. Alex did for eight years.
Reveal, Connect, Own
The antidote is Reveal, Connect, Own.
You reveal what's true for you: "I was really frustrated when you interrupted me at that meeting, and I made up a story that you were disrespecting me." Scary as those conversations are, they end up being incredibly connective. The act of revealing creates real connection between two people.
Then you own your projections. "I made up that story. How is it actually true about me? I don't respect myself." Usually what we're seeing in the other person is something we're projecting from ourselves. And once you can own that, everything becomes about learning and growing.
That's what happened with Alex. One reveal, one honest conversation, and eight years of projection dissolved.
Invest in the Relationship
There's this concept of an emotional bank account. Every co-founder pairing has one. When the account is full, you can have really hard conversations and navigate just about anything. When it's empty, things go south fast.
So how do you fill it? You invest time in the relationship itself.
The healthiest co-founder pairs specifically set aside time for this. They'll go to dinner once a week or have a one-on-one that's not just about the business. "How are we doing? Are you happy? What's frustrating you?" Just conversations about the relationship.
It's probably 5% more time than other co-founders put in, and about 100% more uncomfortable, because conversations about the relationship are awkward. But that's exactly what makes them valuable
A mentor of mine once said that our most fulfilling lives and relationships are one five-minute sweaty palm conversation away. And it’s so true. Every one of those conversations is a deposit.
Appreciation is another deposit most founders neglect. Most are super stingy with it. Just taking the time to appreciate one another, to support each other, to have each other's back, that compounds over time.
Friendship on the Other Side of Conflict
Most founders believe a healthy co-founder relationship is a harmonious one. But there are two kinds of harmony: harmony on the side of avoiding disagreement, and harmony on the other side of healthy disagreement.
When you build the second kind, trust follows. And it is amazing what an efficiency multiple trust is. When you trust each other, you can just move so fast. When you don't, it causes a ton of drama and friction.
And the foundation underneath all of it is vulnerability. Every reveal, every awkward check-in, every honest conversation is an act of vulnerability. And vulnerability is what compounds into trust.
I've experienced this firsthand. When my best friend and I started Fearless Ventures together, we agreed upfront: number one for us is personal and spiritual growth. Secondary is our friendship. Third is the business of the fund. We've had plenty of conflict, and every time, working through it has made the relationship stronger.
That ordering matters. Within the context of the company, we do what we believe is best for the company. But in a broader context, we prioritize the relationship. You don't prioritize the relationship over the company inside the company. But outside of it, the friendship comes first.
The ultimate test for whether you've done it well is if you could fire your co-founder from their role and maintain the friendship.
That kind of relationship doesn't happen by default. It's built and rebuilt, one honest conversation at a time.
With love,
Dave Kashen
P.S. If you want to read Alex Lieberman's full account of his experience, you can find it here.
