How to Set Boundaries That Actually Work
There's a conversation you've been avoiding for weeks. Maybe months.
You know exactly which one I'm talking about – that thing you need to say to your co-founder, that boundary you need to set with a client, that feedback you need to give an employee.
Every time you think about having it, your stomach tightens. So you don't.
And every day you don't, the resentment builds a little more.
Here's what's really happening: You're not avoiding the conversation because you don't want to hurt them. You're avoiding it because you don't want to feel what you'll feel when they react.
The anger, the disappointment, the guilt. Your mind is protecting you from emotional discomfort by keeping you silent.
But here's the cost: That avoided conversation is slowly poisoning your relationship and your leadership.
Because unexpressed boundaries don't disappear – they turn into resentment. And resentment always finds a way out, usually in ways that damage relationships far more than the original honest conversation would have.
So here's how to set boundaries that actually work...
Why People Struggle to Set Boundaries
Most founders think they struggle with boundaries because they don't want to hurt people and/or lose others’ approval.
That's not it.
The real block is this: You're afraid of how you'll feel IF they react 'negatively.'
Maybe even be afraid of just how you’ll feel during the conversation – it’s unfamiliar for most people and therefore uncomfortable.
When we let fear drive our choices, we end up enabling the very behavior that's hurting us, which creates far more suffering in the long run.
Know the Difference Between Requests and Boundaries
Boundaries don't require the other person to do anything. They're about what you will do based on their choices.
Telling my kids "Be off the iPad by 9 PM" isn't a boundary – it's a request they may ignore.
But saying "I'm taking the iPad at 9 PM" is a boundary. They literally run into that wall regardless of what they want.
In business: "I want you to improve your performance" is a request. "In order to continue in this role, these specific behaviors must change by this date. If they don't, I'll need to make a change" is a boundary.
The key insight: You can't control their choices, but you can always choose your response.
Understand Threats vs. Consequences
I used to resist setting boundaries because they felt threatening, and I didn't like the idea of threatening people. Then I learned this distinction from Conscious Leadership co-founder Diana Chapman.
I asked her: "What's the difference between threats and consequences?"
Her answer surprised me: "Follow-through."
A threat tries to manipulate: "If you don't stop doing this, I'm going to fire you!" (even though you know you won’t). Many parents are familiar with this pattern - threaten, hope it works, don’t follow through with the consequence but increase the threat; it’s a downward spiral
A consequence simply states what's true: "I'm not willing to be spoken to this way. If this continues, I'll end our working relationship."
Notice the difference? No blame, no reactivity, no attempt to force compliance. Just clarity about what you will do if they choose certain behaviors.
Use Your Anger as Navigation
If you struggle with boundaries, you probably have a complicated relationship with anger in which you don’t fully allow yourself to feel it. I certainly did.
Growing up, anger wasn't expressed in my house. I thought it was bad, wrong, dangerous. So I suppressed it – and lost touch with my boundaries.
But here's what I learned: Anger is the energy of boundaries. That feeling you get when someone crosses a line isn't something to suppress – it's information about what your authentic wants, needs and values are.
Light anger signals a want or preference: "I really want this handled differently." Strong anger signals a firm boundary: "This is not okay with me."
The practice: When you feel frustrated or resentful, ask yourself: "What boundary am I not setting here?"
Communicate to Reveal (Not to Enforce)
Most people try to enforce boundaries – demanding compliance through pressure or manipulation. That rarely works and often damages relationships.
Instead, communicate to reveal your truth.
Share your experience (facts, stories, feelings, wants) and state what you'll do based on their choices. You're not trying to control them – you're giving them clear information to make their own decisions.
Here's how this looks in practice:
"Hey [name], last week I noticed you didn't finish the client proposal we agreed on.
The story my mind creates around this is that you don't actually care about finishing this project and seeing progress as much as I do.
I feel frustrated and scared that we aren't actually aligned as partners.
I would like you to show up fully engaged, hitting our agreed-upon deadlines, and equally contributing.
And because this isn't the first time this has happened, if this continues from now on, I'm going to begin considering ending our partnership and looking into other options."
Notice the structure: Facts (what happened), story (what his mind made up), feelings (frustrated/scared), and wants (specific request), followed by the actual boundary (what he'll do if it continues).
Follow Through Consistently
This is where most boundaries fail. You set them, then you don't follow through.
A founder in the IGE community had a difficult client who was "like Ari Gold from Entourage." He told them: "If you want to have a respectful, collaborative conversation, I'm in. If I sense it's not that, I'm going to hang up immediately." When they crossed that line, he simply hung up. No drama, no explanation. Just follow-through.
The mindset: You're not punishing them – you're honoring the boundary you set.
The Deeper Truth
The more you allow love to move through you, the more you will honor what you will and won't engage with.
Because you can only love others based on the degree you love yourself. And healthy boundaries actually make it easier to open your heart and love others.
When you don't fully accept yourself, you'll tolerate treatment that you know isn't right, which is actually a form of self-harm. But when you honor your own boundaries, you model for others that they can honor theirs too. You stop enabling patterns that hurt both of you.
The conversation you've been avoiding? It's not about being mean or difficult. It's about creating the conditions where both parties' values are honored and an authentic relationship can flourish.
Your next step: Identify that one conversation you've been avoiding. Use this framework to have it this week.
Remember: the fear of how you'll feel from their reaction is just a feeling. The cost of continued avoidance is the slow death of respect – both theirs for you, and yours for yourself.
With love,
