Money Isn't the Problem... Your Relationship With It Is
Imagine you're on a date with money.
Would it be a toxic relationship? A distant affair? A desperate clinging? Or perhaps a harmonious partnership?
A few weeks ago, I asked this question to a founder in our Inner Game community who was wrestling with contradictory feelings about wealth. His response (paraphrased) was illuminating:
“It’s complicated. Part of me clings desperately to money, part of me resents it, and another part dreams of freedom – but fears becoming someone I hate.”
Sound familiar?
Here's the truth: Money isn't the problem. It never was. We humans invented this construct – these pieces of paper and digital numbers that represent value. Money itself is neutral.
What creates suffering is our relationship with it.
How Your Inner Parts Form Your Relationships
In the book I'm writing, I explore a fascinating reality of the human experience:
"Most of us have had the experience of wanting to eat that next piece of chocolate cake and not wanting to eat it at the same time. How is that possible?"
The answer lies in understanding that we are made up of multiple "parts."
Different aspects of ourselves hold different perspectives, fears, desires, and beliefs. When these perspectives clash, we experience what's called "parts conflicts."
Instead of functioning as a unified whole, we find ourselves pulled in multiple directions simultaneously.
One part desperately wants the chocolate cake while another is committed to health. One part craves security while another yearns for risk and adventure.
These inner conflicts don't just create momentary indecision. They shape our relationships with everything in our lives, from people to projects to money.
Where Money Comes In
These inner conflicts become especially pronounced around money.
Throughout my years of 1-1 coaching and in the Inner Game community, I've witnessed this take place many times.
Founders often discover they have multiple parts with contradictory relationships to wealth. One part desperately wants financial success while another views wealth with suspicion or even moral judgment.
Many founders reveal a clingy, fearful part that holds tightly to every dollar because it never knows when the next one is coming. Simultaneously, they might have a rebellious part that rejects money altogether, viewing wealth as representing ethical compromise or greed.
Some even discover a part that fears success itself – worried that if they actually achieve wealth, they'll become the very type of person they've always judged negatively.
As I often tell clients: "Anytime there's something we want but aren't getting, there's a part of us that doesn't want it."
This constant tension depletes your creative energy, clouds your judgment, and ultimately hinders your company's growth.
Because when our internal parts are at war, our actions often reflect that fragmentation. Leadership decisions feel inconsistent, reactive, or charged with unspoken fear.
As one founder in our community put it: "You can't think long-term when you're constantly thinking about next week's bill."
My Own Story With This
I've experienced this conflict firsthand with money. As I shared on the Danny Miranda podcast:
"Money's been a thing for me that I've been working on for a while. I want to let go of my attachment to money."
I discovered I had competing parts around wealth. One part was deeply focused on accumulation and financial achievement – this part viewed monetary success as validation and safety. Another part questioned whether this focus was aligned with my deeper values and purpose.
This conflict came to a head when I lost a significant portion of my net worth. At first, my achievement-oriented part was devastated. But then my wife asked me a question that revealed the deeper truth: "What do you love about yourself that has nothing to do with your money or success?"
I realized that my answer — "I'm just a kind, caring, fun-loving guy" — revealed something profound. The parts of me that were fighting actually wanted the same thing: a sense of peace and worthiness. The achievement-focused part was just using financial success as its strategy for getting there.
As I described on the podcast: "Me losing that money… I can genuinely in this moment see it was an absolute gift. It allowed me to be liberated from my attachment to money in a way that no other NLP exercise or conscious leadership technique could."
This wasn't about money stopping to matter. It was about the different parts of me finding harmony around a deeper truth: my worth wasn't dependent on my net worth.
When You Negotiate Between Your Parts
The Problem: What Happens When Your Parts Are At War
When your money parts are in conflict, the consequences ripple through your business:
- You make inconsistent decisions that undermine trust
- Your fundraising efforts feel desperate one moment, detached the next
- Your leadership lacks conviction because you're divided internally
This meta-fear—being afraid of being with and feeling our financial fear—compounds the problem. The parts battle intensifies, and clear thinking becomes near impossible.
Finding Peace Between Your Parts
The good news? There's a path forward.
If you truly want to change your behavior, your parts are going to have to find common ground and create a win-win agreement.
The key insight, as I shared in my own story, is that your conflicting parts often want the same fundamental thing.
For example, you may discover that two seemingly opposed parts, one focused on meditation and another on achievement, actually share the same desired outcome: peace. They just have different strategies for getting there.
The achievement-focused part’s strategy for achieving peace may be avoiding painful thoughts and feelings and achieving a level of success at which you will no longer need to worry about money or status.
While the meditation-focused part's strategy is to directly experience peace through mindfulness and being present.
Each part is fighting for you in the best way it knows how.
This interplay of parts shows up consistently in our relationship with money.
One part fears not having enough. Another fears becoming someone we judge. And instead of feeling those fears, we try to outwork them.
But you’re not limited by the fear. You’re limited by being unwilling to feel it.
Practical Steps For Harmonizing Your Parts
Here's how to begin working with and harmonizing your inner parts:
1. Externalize Your Parts
It's useful to externalize the parts and imagine two parties in an arbitration trying to find a solution that works for both of them.
2. Honor Each Part's Intention
It's important to honor both parts. If either part feels like their view is being invalidated or they're being perceived as an enemy, they're less likely to come to the table with an open mind.
3. Find The Common Ground
Often, just identifying that the two parts want the same thing can help bring them together to collaborate.
4. Create A Win-Win Agreement
See if you can accept and even appreciate the part of you that is responsible for the fact that you're not doing the behavior you say you want to be doing.
For example, you could ask yourself:
- “Can you appreciate the part of you that wants you to be kind and generous?”
- “Can you love the part that’s clinging to money because it’s scared?”
- “What if all of those parts could win together?”
When your money parts find harmony, something extraordinary happens:
You make cleaner decisions, speak with grounded confidence, and are able to lead with more vision instead of fear.
As many founders share after doing this work: “I feel like I can finally breathe. I’m not constantly checking the runway. I’m thinking about where we’re going – not just how to survive.”
A New Relationship Awaits
In these uncertain economic times, your relationship with money matters more than ever. The current fundraising landscape, market volatility, and global economic shifts are testing founders in unprecedented ways.
Those who have done this inner work have a distinct advantage – not because they're immune to external challenges, but because they're not fighting themselves while facing those challenges.
In my next newsletter, I'll share my perspective on the current startup landscape and specific strategies for navigating it successfully.
The next time you notice inner conflict around finances, remember: your parts are all trying to help you, even when they disagree. Listen to them. Honor them. Help them find common ground.
With love,
- Dave Kashen
P.S. What's your relationship with money like and what parts do you see at play with it? Reply to this and I’ll see if I can give you any helpful thoughts or advice.
