Projection: How Your Mind is a Mirror

There’s a founder I coach who couldn’t stand his co-founder’s indecisiveness.
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"He never makes a call. He overthinks everything!"

It was driving him crazy.

But when we dug deeper, he had a realization that changed everything:

It wasn’t really his co-founder’s indecision that frustrated him—it was that he himself felt he had to always know the answer.

Beneath his strong opinions and quick decisions, he feared getting it wrong. He couldn’t accept hesitation or lack of certainty in himself, so he rejected it in others.

And this is how projection works.

Your Mind is a Mirror

The ego is a harsh critic, constantly scanning the outside world for things we don’t like in other people.

But it turns out anything we judge or resist in others is really just a reflection of a part of ourselves we haven’t fully accepted or loved.

We either see the same unwanted quality in ourselves we judge in others, or we deny that part of ourselves and judge others for allowing it.

• The investor you think is arrogant?
  Maybe there’s a part of you that judges your own arrogance or is tired of having to be humble all the time.
• The team member who seems disengaged?
  Maybe there’s a part of you that thinks you’re not always as focused as you ‘should’ be.
• The VC who "doesn’t get it"?
  Maybe deep down, you’re hiding the fact that you’re still figuring things out yourself.

We don’t see people as they are.
​We see them as we are.

We tend to fear that if we accept those parts of ourselves, that means we’ll act more of those ways we don’t like. If I accept my greedy, selfish one, I’ll be more greedy and selfish.

The opposite is true. What you resist persists. The parts that you judge or deny tend to leak out in unhealthy ways. When you love and accept those parts, you feel more whole and have more choice about how you show up.

The Flip Side: What You Admire in Others

Just as our aversions expose the parts of ourselves we reject, our admiration exposes parts of ourselves we aren’t willing to be acknowledged for yet.

• The leader you admire for their charisma? Maybe you haven’t fully owned your own ability to inspire.
• The founder you respect for their boldness? Maybe you have boldness inside you waiting to be expressed.
• The mentor whose presence feels magnetic? Maybe you have a powerful presence you haven’t fully stepped into.

Every person who triggers you is showing you a part of yourself you’ve rejected.

Every person you admire is showing you a part of yourself you’ve yet to claim.

Both are invitations to expand.

How to Use This for Rapid Growth

Most people stay stuck in blame, frustration, or avoidance.

But leaders who master the Inner Game use every trigger—and every admiration—as a tool for self-awareness and transformation.

Next time someone annoys you or deeply inspires you, try this:

For Aversions (Triggers):

• Notice the Pattern. Who consistently triggers you? What specifically about them irritates you?
• Turn Inward. Ask yourself: Where does this exist in me? Do I judge or suppress this trait? Am I afraid of being seen this way?
• Integrate Instead of Reject. Could you love this part of yourself?

➡️ Example: If you get triggered by a team member being indecisive, maybe you need to allow yourself to slow down and process decisions more deeply, rather than rushing to action for the sake of appearing certain.

For Admiration:

• Recognize the Signal. The admiration you feel is pointing at your own untapped potential.
• Own it. Instead of just idolizing that trait, ask: "How can I recognize and express this in myself?"
• Take action. If you deeply admire someone’s specific trait, where can you start embodying it today?

➡️ Example: If you admire a CEO for their ability to command a room, maybe your next challenge is stepping into that energy in meetings, instead of defaulting to letting others lead the conversation.

Master this, and you’ll not only become a better leader—you’ll also experience far more ease in your relationships, your team, and your company.

Because the things that once triggered you?

They stop holding power over you.

And the things you admire in others?

They start emerging in you.

With love,

- Dave Kashen

P.S. We quietly opened invitations to apply for the new ongoing IGE program and community—an extraordinary group of founders doing this deep inner work together. If you haven’t heard about it yet, you can check it out here.