Seeking Approval Is Sabotaging Your Startup (And How to Stop It)
Three hours before your board meeting, the loop begins.
Your stomach tightens.
The presentation—already revised 15 times—suddenly feels all wrong.
"Will they approve of this strategy?"
"What if they question my decisions?"
"I need them to think I'm doing a good job."
And just like that, you've fallen into a trap that's undermining your business: seeking approval.
Throughout all my years of coaching some of the most incredible founders to walk the planet, I've seen how this seemingly innocent mindset silently sabotages your leadership, communication, and company growth.
Whether you're interacting with board members (who have formal governance authority) or investors (who've backed you financially but may not have board seats), the psychology of approval-seeking operates similarly—though it manifests in different contexts.
The principles I'm sharing apply to both relationships, with board dynamics often being the most concentrated version of this challenge.
Here's why it happens, what it costs you, and how to overcome it.
What Happens When You Desire Approval
When you mentally position your board members and investors as judges instead of allies, you fundamentally transform how you operate:
You filter information.
Instead of sharing the complete picture, you cherry-pick facts that make you look good.
You avoid candid conversations.
Rather than addressing real challenges head-on, you downplay problems until they become unavoidable crises.
You make decisions to please, not progress.
You choose the path you think will earn approval, not necessarily what's best for the company.
Your creative thinking shuts down.
When your nervous system is in threat mode, your prefrontal cortex—responsible for strategic thinking and innovation—goes offline.
The result? A business running on partial information, delayed course corrections, and compromised decision-making.
Why Your Brain Treats Stakeholders Like Parents
This pattern isn't random. It's hardwired.
Our brains are designed to seek approval from authority figures. This stems from our earliest survival strategy: pleasing our parents kept us safe and cared for.
When board members and investors hold perceived power over your company's future, your primitive brain categorizes them as "parents" who must be pleased to ensure your survival.
But there's a critical difference:
Your parents controlled your survival as a child.
Your board and investors chose to back YOU because they believe in YOUR vision and leadership.
They're extensions of your team, not your judges.
The Stakeholder Meeting Paradox
Here's something I've noticed after supporting clients with hundreds of board and investor meetings:
The founders who get the most respect from their stakeholders are often the ones who need it least.
Why? Because they're not seeking approval.
I call this the Stakeholder Meeting Paradox, and it works like this:
Founders seeking approval:
- Spend 80% of meeting time reporting past performance
- Carefully script and rehearse presentations
- Avoid bringing up problems until they're solved
- Rarely ask for help on their biggest challenges
Founders seeking partnership:
- Spend 80% of meeting time discussing future strategy and challenges
- Prepare thoroughly but speak authentically
- Bring half-formed ideas for input
- Openly share their biggest unknowns
The paradox is that the more you try to impress your stakeholders, the less valuable insight you extract from them—and the less impressive your actual results become.
From Seeking Approval to Creating Value
Here's how to transform this relationship:
1. Shift Your Mindset: They're Partners, Not Parents
Your board members and investors put their money and reputations behind you because they believe in your vision. They're invested in your success.
They're not there to judge you—they're there to help you win.
Remind yourself before every interaction: "These are my partners in building this company."
2. Lead with Candor, Not Impression Management
True leadership isn't about looking good—it's about seeing reality clearly and making the best decisions with available information.
Practice speaking unarguably:
- Facts: "Our customer acquisition cost increased 30% this quarter."
- Feelings: "I feel concerned about this trend."
- Stories: "I'm wondering if our new marketing strategy isn't resonating."
- Wants: "I'd like us to explore alternative approaches."
When you separate facts from stories and speak from this framework, you create space for genuine collaboration.
3. Ask for What You Actually Need
Instead of trying to get validation, focus on getting value from your board and investors. See them as members of your team, and take responsibility for leading them to deliver value the way you do with your employees.
Before meetings, ask yourself:
- What specific expertise could these individuals offer?
- What connections might they share?
- What perspectives might I be missing?
Then directly ask for what you need: "Given your experience with scaling operations, how would you approach this challenge?"
A Different Approach to Your Next Meeting
Here's how to put these principles into practice—using board meetings as an example of where this mindset shift has the most impact:
1. Reframe the meeting purpose from "reporting performance" to "leveraging collective intelligence"
2. Send materials 72 hours in advance with a note: "I'd appreciate your toughest questions on these areas..."
3. Begin the meeting by stating: "My goal is not to convince you everything is perfect. My goal is to leave with better thinking than I came in with."
4. Structure the agenda around decisions, not updates: "Here are three key decisions we're making. I'd value your input on each."
This approach signals confidence while maximizing the value you extract from these relationships.
The Bold Truth About Stakeholder Management
Every founder wants "good relationships" with their board and investors.
But here's what nobody tells you: The best stakeholder relationships aren't always comfortable ones.
The purpose of your board and investors isn't to make you feel good—it's to help build an exceptional company. Sometimes that means challenging you, questioning assumptions, and pushing you outside your comfort zone.
When you're not seeking approval, you can embrace this tension and constructive feedback rather than avoid it.
You can invite productive disagreement instead of consensus.
You can leverage the full intellectual capacity of your board members and investors instead of just their governance or checkbooks.
The Ultimate Freedom
When you stop seeing stakeholder meetings as performance reviews and start seeing them as strategy sessions, everything changes.
You tap the true value of your investors. You make clearer, bolder decisions. You build authentic relationships based on mutual respect.
And perhaps most importantly, you reclaim the energy previously drained by approval-seeking and redirect it toward building your vision.
That's the ultimate freedom.
With love,
