The Conscious Communication Guide For Founders
A while back, I coached a CEO who kept getting her 1:1s canceled by a key board member.
She’d built up a story in her head that he must not have thought much of her—why else would he keep blowing her off? After summoning the courage to check out her story with him, she discovered the literal opposite was true:
“You’re my strongest CEO,” he confessed. “I figured you didn’t need me.”
All that tension, dread, and wasted mental energy vanished in minutes once they communicated. She’d been assuming rather than asking—creating stories instead of uncovering facts. It’s a classic example of how poor communication quietly erodes trust, morale, and alignment in startups every day.
Over the past 15+ years, I’ve witnessed brilliant teams derail from miscommunication—and seen them resurrect through crystal-clear conversations.
Below is an actionable toolbox of frameworks to help you communicate so effectively that it will transform your culture from the inside out. Bookmark this newsletter. Refer back whenever you sense confusion, tension, or misalignment creeping in—because your next conversation could save you weeks of frustration.
Credit to the Conscious Leadership Group for teaching me most of these frameworks and tools.
1. Fact vs. Story: Speak Unarguably
Where We Go Wrong
We often confuse facts (what a video camera would record) with stories (our interpretations and assumptions). Phrases like “You’re disrespecting me!” or “You don’t care about this project!” might be stories, not observable facts.
Stating our stories as if they’re facts creates confusion that leads to defensiveness and endless debates about “who’s right?”
What to Do Instead
Distinguish the Facts from the Stories your mind makes up about the facts. If you see me with crossed arms, that is a fact. Telling yourself I’m “upset” or “bored” is a story.
To speak unarguably, use four quick buckets:
- Fact: “You arrived 15 minutes late.”
- Feeling: “I feel frustrated.”
- Story: “I’m telling myself you aren’t valuing our meetings.”
- Want: “I’d like us to start on time.”
By labeling your interpretation as a story, you avoid arguing over “who’s right” and keep conversations grounded in reality.
2. Conscious Listening: Head, Heart, and Gut
Where We Go Wrong
Leaders often listen just enough to jump in with advice and try to fix the problem. They rarely discover the deeper issue because they’re busy crafting a response.
When you listen to fix, it keeps you from fully listening and leaves the other person not feeling fully heard.
We also often inadvertently create dependence on us, where our team members will keep coming to us expecting us to give them answers instead of learning to take the risk of trusting their own judgment.
What to Do Instead
- Head: Note the literal content—“What did they say?”
- Heart: Sense the emotional undercurrent—“Are they worried, upset, eager?”
- Gut: Intuit deeper wants—“What is it they really want or desire?”
Reflect back what you heard and sensed before responding: “I hear that you don’t think the timeline is realistic (Head), and it sounds like you’re feeling some fear around it (Heart). I imagine you really want to align on a timeline that you feel confident in (Gut). Is that right?”
This simple step often defuses tension, ensures the other person feels heard, and helps uncover the real issue.
3. Candor: Reveal Your Truth
Where We Go Wrong
In an effort to avoid conflict, hurting someone’s feelings, or losing control of a situation, we often conceal our authentic thoughts and emotions towards other people.
We think the person can’t handle the truth or we’re afraid of what sharing our true thoughts might do to our relationship. But in fact, not sharing is what kills relationships.
There’s a phenomenon known as “Withhold-Withdraw-Project.” Once we withhold our truth from someone, we tend to disconnect from them. We then see them through the lens of our projected stories about them–gathering evidence that confirms our pre-existing story and ignoring evidence to the contrary.
Over time, we calcify our view (“that guy in accounting is a jerk”) leaving no possibility for repair or reconnection.
What to Do Instead
- Reflect on What You’re Experiencing: Notice the thoughts going through your head and feelings in your body, and any wants arising. Candor includes honesty, openness and self-awareness–which is often the one that’s most missing.
- Reveal: Choose to reveal the thoughts and feelings to the person directly.
- Identify the Facts: “You arrived 15 minutes late, three days in a row.”
- Share Your Feelings: “I feel frustrated.”
- Name Your Story: “I’m telling myself a story that you’re disengaged.”
- State Your Want: “I’d like you to be on time for our meetings.”
- Hold your Stories Lightly: Be mindful of the fact that they’re just thoughts arising or stories your mind is making up, and ensure you’re clear about that when you share them.
When you lay out facts, feelings, and your stories, you practice honest self-expression rather than trying to control others’ experiences. Paradoxically, that candor fosters real collaboration and solutions you never could have “controlled” into existence.
4. From Assumptions to Agreements
Where We Go Wrong
I’ve seen so many clients frustrate themselves by having expectations without clear agreements. When aligning tasks or responsibilities, it’s crucial to avoid assumptions and clarify the agreements.
In fact, most drama in teams and relationships is caused by a lack of clear agreements.
- Assumptions: Ending meetings with phrases like “Let’s get this done” or “Sounds like we all agree” leaves huge gaps for confusion and no one with clear responsibility..
What to Do Instead
- Agreements: Include Who, What and When.
- Agreements are specific, clarify responsibility and most importantly are actually agreed upon by someone (“Will you finalize the hiring plan by Friday at noon?” “Yes, I will.”).
- Create a Culture of Integrity
- We will end meetings with clear agreements.
- 90% of the time, we do what we say we will
- 9% of the time, we will renegotiate our agreements as soon as we know we won’t deliver
- 1% of the time, we will acknowledge our broken agreements, and take responsibility for the impact on others.
5. Above-the-Line Accountability
Below-the-line accountability uses blame or guilt (“You messed up—now you’re in trouble”), killing morale. Above-the-line accountability is about supporting the team’s integrity and treats missed goals as chances to learn and grow, not shame.
Where We Go Wrong
When people fear blame, they hide errors or scramble to look right. This secrecy undermines transparency and learning.
What to Do Instead
- Accounting v Response
- Separate the Accounting (what did we say we’d do? What happened?) from the Response (what did we learn as a result?)
- Team Check-Ins
- Create specific accountability check-ins so everyone knows there will be an accounting for what they agreed to.
- “What did we agree on last time? What happened?”
- No shame—just data and next steps.
- Focus on Growth
- If someone repeats a mistake, ask: “Is the role mismatched? Are we over-scoping?” The aim is learning, not punishment.
6. Take 100% Responsibility
When we miss a goal, it’s tempting to ask, “Who’s fault is this?” or “Why is this happening to me?” That’s a victim stance where blame looms large.
Where We Go Wrong
Victim-mode saps your power. You miss seeing how you co-created this situation or how to adjust.
What to Do Instead
- Co-Creation Questions: “How did we each contribute to these missed deadlines? What’s the real issue?”
- Focus on Solutions: “What can we learn, or what process can we put in place, so it doesn’t happen again?”
- Own Your Part: Get curious and really look for your part in creating the missed goal “I realize I never confirmed you had all the resources you needed.”
Taking responsibility enables us to see misses as learning opportunities, not a personal failing or scapegoat moment.
7. Approaching Tough Conversations with Compassion
Being candid doesn’t mean you have to be unkind.
Where We Go Wrong
Some leaders think that being candid means being blunt or harsh. You can be clear without being critical and judgmental in your tone and framing.
What to Do Instead
- Connect before you Direct: Before giving feedback, make sure you’ve established a connection with the person. People are much more likely to hear feedback when they know the person cares about them.
- Name Your Intention: “I want to talk about how the last sprint felt—there’s obvious frustration in the air and I want to help us work better together.”
- Listen Fully: After you share your feedback, really listen. Let them speak uninterrupted and empathize with how they’re feeling about the feedback.
- Focus on Solutions: “What do you think would create the future you want here?”
Combining directness with empathy is much more likely to create the intended outcome than simply being brash or blunt.
Why This Matters
Communication isn’t “soft.” It’s the foundation of alignment, trust, and execution. If there’s a silent killer in your startup, it’s unspoken assumptions, fuzzy expectations, or resentments left to fester. Solve those, and watch your team unlock new levels of speed and creativity.
Your Next Move
- Pick One Principle—e.g., Speaking Unarguably” (#1).
- Apply It in Real Conversations—especially where tension is high, there’s ongoing disconnection, or tasks keep slipping.
- Observe the Shift—notice how confusion eases, tasks get done, and trust solidifies.
As one of my mentors used to say, “You’re one sweaty-palmed conversation away from your most fulfilling relationships.”
Final Thought
These principles—fact vs. story, conscious listening, clear agreements, revealing your truth, above-the-line accountability, taking responsibility, and empathic tough conversations—have revitalized entire teams. Save this guide. Each framework becomes more potent as you revisit and refine it.
Your startup’s success hinges on authentic, clear communication—where personal commitments are honored, mutual agreements are explicit, and nobody shies away from honest discussions. Mastering this isn’t just about being a better leader; it’s about building a culture that scales with clarity and heart.
With love,
- Dave Kashen
P.S.If there’s one conversation you’re dreading, try separating facts from stories or clarifying if you truly have an agreement. Then watch how it transforms the tone and outcome.
