The Four Levels of Behavior Change: How to Make Anything Sticky

I was sitting in our conference room with Val, my co-founder, and Clint, my coach, during one of our darker moments at Meeting Hero.

We'd built a product to help people have better meetings. The early traction looked great. Users loved it. They'd get excited, use it religiously, add agendas, track action items.

For about two weeks.

Then they'd stop.

Sound familiar?

It's January 18th. Studies show that by mid-January, 80% of New Year's resolutions have already failed. So just like our users, chances are you started strong...

Maybe you committed to a new morning routine, started a new workout program, blocked time for deep work without constant interruptions...

And then... life happened.

Here's what I've learned from watching thousands of people struggle to change their long-term meeting habits, and what I've since learned from coaching founders through every kind of behavior change imaginable.

Because once you understand the real mechanics of how behavior actually changes, you can apply it everywhere: to yourself as a founder, to your team culture, and to your product to make it more sticky.

Level 1: Friction

Think of behavior change as happening at four different layers. Most people are trying to change behaviors at the wrong layer entirely for their specific problem.

Sometimes the issue is purely mechanical. You want to do the thing, but you're just not doing it.

This is where BJ Fogg's work at Stanford becomes essential. His formula: B = MAT. (B) Behavior happens when there's sufficient (M) Motivation, sufficient (A) Ability, and a (T) Trigger.

Here's the insight most people miss: They try to increase motivation. According to Fogg, that's actually the least effective thing you can do.

What's most effective is shrinking the ability required.

Don't commit to running three days a week. Just commit to putting out your running clothes before bed. That's it.

Or just putting on your running clothes in the morning. You're almost tricking your brain because our brains resist change. The more change, the more resistance.

But once you've got your running clothes on, you think, "I might as well step outside." Then you're outside in running clothes thinking, "I might as well go run."

These little domino habits work way better than going from zero to "I'm running three days a week for the rest of my life."

This is the surface level. Easiest to fix when it's the real problem. But if the problem is deeper, no amount of optimization will help.

Level 2: Interpretation

Sometimes the issue is how you're interpreting the behavior itself.

For years, meditation felt like eating my broccoli. Taking my medicine. I had to push myself to do it.

At some point, I realized how enjoyable it was. And it shifted from eating my broccoli to eating my chocolate.

Same activity. Completely different relationship.

So the question becomes: How can I make this more enjoyable? How can I reframe what this activity means to me?

There's another piece to this. What you make it mean when you do or don't do it.

If you make not doing it mean failure, if you tell yourself "I failed," there's a part of your brain that says, "Don't do that again." Your system wants to protect you from that feeling of failure.

This is where Joe Hudson's work on experiments becomes powerful.

Instead of "I failed," you say "That experiment didn't work."

For example, you try going to the gym Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 9am. If that experiment doesn't work, try a different time. Or with a partner. Or instead of the gym, go for a walk outside. Or get equipment at home.

Just keep experimenting until you find something that works.

This is the middle level. It changes your relationship to the behavior. But if your identity isn't aligned with the behavior in the first place, you'll still be rolling a boulder uphill.

Level 3: Identity

Sometimes the issue is who you believe you are.

Identity shows up in two ways.

First, there's your self-concept. The labels you carry. "I'm not a gym person." "I'm lazy." "I'm disciplined."

When being meets doing, being wins. In other words, your beliefs about who you are will override any habit you try to form.

Second, there's self-judgment. This is the voice that says "I'm not enough" or "I'm unworthy." Self-judgment creates a sense of lack, a feeling that something is fundamentally missing.

And when you're operating from that sense of lack, behavior change often requires lots of force and friction. It can happen, but it's exhausting.

This is where identity dictates behavior. But if you're trying to shift your identity toward something you don't actually want, the change will still be a battle.

The Foundation: Authentic Wants

Here's what makes all these frameworks actually work: You have to be following something your heart genuinely wants.

Not what you think you should want. Not what will prove your worth. What you authentically want.

And here's the thing most people miss: Those authentic wants are always there. Always calling you deeper into who you really are. The question is whether you're listening.

When you're operating from self-judgment, you develop behaviors to soothe that pain. Scrolling social media to numb the anxiety. Overworking to prove you're enough. Drinking to escape the pressure.

Those aren't wants. Those are compensatory behaviors.

Authentic wants are different. They arise from wholeness, not from lack. They don't try to complete you because you're already complete. They lead you deeper into who you actually are.

But here's where most people get stuck: Following an authentic want often means disappointing someone. Leaving the "safe" path. Choosing your truth over their expectations.

Your conditioning says: Stay safe. Follow the rules. Don't rock the boat.

Your authentic wants pull you toward a deeper calling and toward your natural evolution.

They're expressions of love, not attempts to earn it.

And the heart wants what the heart wants. But it all comes down to if you have the courage to follow it.

So before you try to change any behavior, ask yourself: Is this something I authentically want? Or am I trying to fix something I think is wrong with me?

Because if it's the latter, no framework will make it sustainable. You're trying to fill a void instead of authentically expressing yourself.

Which Level Do You Need?

Start here:

Level 4 - Do I actually want this? If no, explore your authentic wants first. What would you choose if you felt completely whole and nothing was missing? If yes, continue to Level 3.

Level 3 - Do I want it but "I'm not that kind of person"? Look at your beliefs about yourself. What would need to shift for this to be natural? If your identity feels aligned, continue to Level 2.

Level 2 - Do I want it but it feels like broccoli? Reframe it or run experiments until you find a version that feels good. If it already feels good, continue to Level 1.

Level 1 - Do I want it and it feels good, but I'm not doing it? Shrink the ability required. Make it stupidly easy.

Most people start with Level 1 tactics when the real breakdown is at Level 3. Or they try to muscle through with willpower when they need Level 2 reframing.

And most crucially, people spend enormous energy trying to change behavior without realizing they're pursuing something they don't actually want.

But once all these levels are aligned, behavior can basically become effortless action.

What Meeting Hero Taught Me

Looking back, we made some things easy. The product was well-designed, the workflow was intuitive. We optimized Level 1 (friction).

But we learned that behavior change doesn't happen at Level 1 alone. People needed to believe "I'm the kind of person who runs effective meetings." They needed to want better meetings, not feel obligated to have them.

That was probably one of the biggest realizations, just how hard behavior change actually is. Most successful companies take something people are already doing and make it easier to do. We were trying to use an intelligent workflow to help people do things they wanted to do but weren't doing.

There's a huge difference.

Years later, I saw what happens when all the levels actually align.

I was working with a coaching client who'd been smoking for 30 years. I asked him, "Are you willing to love yourself unconditionally?"

He realized he wasn't. He looked at the parts of himself he wasn't loving and was able to accept and love those parts. Then he started to feel the love he had for his son and just feel that energy. And he asked himself, "Could I point that at myself?"

For the first time in his life, he felt real self-love. And almost immediately quit a 30-year nicotine addiction.

That's what happens when all the levels align.

Stop trying to force behaviors to change with willpower alone. Instead, allow the change to be fully aligned, so it happens naturally.

Change the identity, shrink the effort required, and find what you actually want to do.

Everything else is just unnecessary suffering.

With love,

- Dave Kashen

P.S. This applies to your team too. If they're not adopting behaviors you want, ask which level needs work: friction, interpretation, identity, or authentic want?

P.P.S. Want to ask me a question that will be answered in a future newsletter and/or youtube video? You can submit a question here: https://eulvx5p8j26.typeform.com/to/XgWoYLi7