The Parts You Deny Are Running Your Business
"I am not an asshole."
That's what I told myself for years.
I was the kind, supportive coach. The guy who nurtured founders through their toughest moments.
When I'd see someone being aggressive or bulldozing their way through a conversation, I'd internally cringe.
What a Neanderthal.
But there I was in a coaching session with a founder whose company was struggling. His team desperately needed someone to inspire and rally them.
"It sounds like the team really needs you to be a cheerleader right now," I suggested.
"That's not me," he replied immediately. "That's not authentic for me."
Before I could stop myself, the words came out: "Bullshit. It’s just not comfortable for you."
The room went silent. And in that moment, I realized I'd just accessed a part of myself I'd spent decades denying – and it was exactly what the situation called for. I needed to be an asshole.
The Shadow: Your Untapped Leadership Superpower
Here's what I've discovered after fifteen years of coaching founders: The parts of yourself you deny are secretly running your business.
Your shadow is everything you've decided you're not:
- "I'm not selfish" (while judging others who prioritize their own needs)
- "I'm not a victim" (while avoiding risks that might lead to failure)
- "I'm not negative" (while getting triggered by anyone who voices concerns)
- "I'm not a fraud" (while playing it safe instead of declaring bold visions)
The problem? When you deny these parts, you lose access to their gifts. You become what I call "behaviorally inflexible" – able to create only certain outcomes because you can only act in certain ways.
Think of it this way: We all have all the parts. All human beings are comprised of the same set of parts. And if we deny parts of ourselves, we don't feel whole and we limit what’s possible for us. Moreover, denied and repressed parts tend to leak out in unhealthy behaviors.
When I finally acknowledged that asshole part of me – the one that gets upset, wants things my way, and sometimes wants to bulldoze – I became a better coach. I could challenge clients when they needed it: "Hold on, that's not true what you just said" or "That's bullshit." I gained behavioral flexibility.
I could also see how it would leak out around the people I felt safest with - snapping at my wife or yelling at my kids. Here’s the paradox: the more I acknowledge and accept this part of myself, the more freedom and choice I have about when and how to express it.
How Judgment Blocks Flow
Every successful founder talks about wanting to be "in flow." But here's what most miss: anytime you're judging something – in yourself or others – you stop flowing.
It's like being in a river. If you're floating down the river, you're in flow. But if you're constantly fighting the current – "the river shouldn't be going this way, it should be slower, it should be faster, it should be going left not right" – you create turbulence.
The same thing happens when we judge: "This person should be kinder to me. That team member should be more open-minded. I wish this client wasn't churning. I wish we had product-market fit."
All that resistance to what's actually happening blocks your flow.
Because we judge in others the parts we haven’t fully acknowledged and accepted in ourselves.
A Founder's Shadow in Action
In a recent episode of The Heart of Entrepreneurship podcast that we'll be releasing soon, my longtime client Jesse Pujji opened up about his biggest shadow: the victim.
"I feel like I never complain," he admitted. "There's a pretty big shadow of this weak, victimy person that I'm like, oh no, I'm not that, that's not me at all."
Here's the business impact: "I don't take as big of risks as I think I could. I'm a pretty talented, smart, well networked guy, and here I am still bootstrapping businesses because I'm afraid of failing. Because that victim is so afraid it never wants to be seen."
Jesse realized that if he failed at a business, "I'll have to face it and go, oh no, there is a part of me that fails." So instead, he'd only start businesses he knew he could succeed at.
As we discussed on the podcast, I suggested he might even use the word "helpless" instead of victim: "I don't want to feel helpless. I don't want to fail and lose people's money and feel that helplessness of like, I went for it and I failed."
The shadow work isn't about becoming a victim – it's about not being controlled by your fear of that part of yourself.
The Mirror Exercise: Turn Everyone Into Your Teacher
Here's the most practical shadow work technique I know:
Step 1: Notice What Triggers You - What pisses you off in other people? That entrepreneur who's "too aggressive"? The founder who self promotes"? The leader who’s a "delusional dreamer"?
Step 2: Ask the Hard Question - How am I just like that? (Your mind will immediately resist this. That's the shadow fighting to stay hidden.)
Step 3: Find the Gift - What valuable quality might be hiding in that trait you're judging? Aggression might be necessary assertiveness. Complaining might be honest problem identification.
Step 4: Experiment - Try embodying that quality in a small, safe way. (E.g., Practice being more direct in a low-stakes conversation. Express doubt about a plan before diving in.)
The Integration Advantage
The founders who build the most extraordinary companies aren't the ones who've eliminated their "negative" traits. They're the ones who've integrated them.
They can be visionary and practical. Confident and humble. Optimistic and realistic. They have full access to their behavioral range because they're not spending energy fighting parts of themselves.
As I learned through my own shadow work, when you can acknowledge and integrate these denied parts, you feel more whole. You become more authentic. And authenticity is directly connected to leadership effectiveness.
Because here's the truth: You can't lead effectively from only part of who you are. The most powerful leaders I know have made peace with their complete selves – all the messy, contradictory, fully human parts.
Your shadow isn't your enemy. It's your untapped leadership capacity waiting to be integrated.
With love,
