To Solve Your Team's Problems, Stop Solving Them

Twice in the past few weeks, I've taught teams the skill of conscious listening.

I usually start with the opposite: unconscious listening, which is listening with an agenda instead of just listening to listen.

The most common agenda is attempting to fix something we perceive as a problem. And when I ask who does that, almost everyone raises their hand.

Then we demonstrate it. I ask for a volunteer to share an issue they're dealing with. Before they begin, I ask everyone else to put on their fixing hat: the moment they have a brilliant solution or idea, they should just blurt it out.

Almost immediately, the room fills with "you should try this," "what about this," "what about that."

It's a funny, slightly exaggerated version of what really happens.

We mean well. But it's generally not what actually serves the person.

When we jump to solutions before we understand the issue, we can end up solving the surface issue without addressing the root. So the same issues keep coming back.

And when they do, the instinct is to jump in faster with a better fix.

There's a simple hierarchy I use in my own coaching, and I think it's just as useful for leaders and their teams. It slows down the rush to fix, so people can find the real issue underneath and solve it themselves.

Why We Jump to Solutions So Fast

There are times when helping solve an issue is exactly what's needed.

But picture a pie chart of how you listen: one slice is truly listening, the other is listening to fix. For most leaders, listening to fix takes up most of the pie, when much more of the time what would actually serve the person in front of you is just listening.

So why do we jump to solutions so fast?

Often, it's because the person bringing you an issue is below the line, in a state of threat.

It's easy to get pulled down there with them and start agreeing that what's happening is a problem, something that shouldn't be this way. Once it's a problem, the urge to fix it takes over.

And in that moment, we're not actually listening to the person. We're listening to the voice in our head telling us what the answer is.

There's a second reason. I think a lot of managers solve problems because they feel like that's their value: "If I'm just listening, what value am I providing?"

If you think your only value is answering and solving people's problems, you're going to keep doing it.

And you jumping in affects how your team behaves.

Following your answer is always the safer option for them, because using their own judgment is scarier. So if you're willing to tell them what to do, they'll keep coming to you. They never have to exercise that judgment, even though it's really important for their development.

It ties closely to the hero pattern, and it's more self-fulfilling than you realize. You see them as incapable, you step in and save the day, and they show up as incapable, because they don't need to be capable when you're always saving the day.

There's a classic Harvard Business Review article by William Oncken Jr. and Donald Wass called "Who's Got the Monkey?" In it, every problem your team brings you is a monkey. Take it on, and it lands on your back, where it gets very heavy.

Conscious listening leaves them the monkey. When you truly listen, people typically say more and explore the issue more deeply.

They become more creative and resourceful in solving their own issues, and they come to their own clarity about what the real issue is.

Listen First, Then Solve

1. Follow the hierarchy.

When someone brings you an issue, start at the bottom of this hierarchy and move up the four steps only as needed, stopping as soon as they've resolved it:

1. Listen. You don't have to get creative or paraphrase. Just give them back their own words. You want to stay on their map of reality as long as possible, instead of bringing them over to yours.
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   This is where listening from the head, heart, and gut comes in, a practice I learned from the Conscious Leadership Group: what they're saying, what they're feeling, and what they want.
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   If you notice yourself getting pulled below the line with them, come back to presence. When you can see what they're sharing as just the facts, there's less of a compulsion to fix, because there's nothing wrong.
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2. Ask. Use truly open-ended, curious questions, like "If you really trusted yourself, what would you do?" Avoid leading ones like "Have you thought about this?"
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3. Brainstorm. Ask first: "Do you want to brainstorm?" Then come up with possible options together.
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4. Offer your thoughts. Finally, share your own view: what you would do in their position.

Part of the reason for the order: people tend to be more likely to execute on their own ideas. Even if I had the most brilliant idea, if I just hand it to someone, they often won't do it. I care more about them actually resolving the issue than about looking smart.

There's one exception. If a tourist in San Francisco asks me how to get to Ghirardelli Square, I don't say, "I hear that you feel lost." I tell them how to get there.

Same if someone asks for the Wi-Fi password. The art of leadership is discernment: is there a real dependency here, knowledge they couldn't reasonably get without you? If so, just give them the answer, and if not, listen first.

2. Model it first.

Most leaders are modeling listening to fix for their teams without realizing it.

So the change starts with a shift inside you: recognizing that it's actually valuable to really listen to people.

A lot of us dramatically undervalue presence, genuine listening, and how much feeling heard helps someone resolve their own issue.

From there, it takes practice. Like any new habit, you have to be present enough to notice you're doing the old one, and then interrupt the pattern.

3. Make it a team practice.

If you're modeling it and your team still listens to fix, run a training on listening, then have people practice it with each other. Expect it to feel hard at first, because most people are so used to fixing.

When you notice someone jumping to solutions, give them feedback and frame it as an experiment: see what happens if they just listen to listen.

Most leaders who experiment with this like the results. Their people feel heard and become less dependent on them.

When the Same Issues Stop Coming Back

In my trainings, the people blurting out solutions are genuinely trying to help. That's what makes the habit so hard to catch: jumping in feels like the most helpful thing you can do.

But when you listen until you understand an issue, the other person slows down with you. They explore what's really going on and come to understand their own issue before either of you tries to solve it.

And once the real issue is truly understood, the solution is already contained in it. And because they found it themselves, they actually act on it.

Over time, the same issues stop coming back. Instead of bringing every issue to you, people step up.

So the next time someone brings you an issue and you feel the urge to blurt out a solution, start at the bottom of the hierarchy and just listen.

Your team is watching how you handle that moment, and what they see is how they'll learn to handle it with each other.

With love,

Dave Kashen

P.S. Try this out with your team this week, then come back and hit reply to tell me how it went.