Victim, Villain, Hero: Navigating The Drama Triangle
When a startup hits a roadblock, have you noticed how quickly leaders fall into predictable patterns?
A fundraising setback triggers the victim mentality: "Investors just don't get our vision."
Product delays spark finger-pointing: "The engineering team keeps dropping the ball."
Customer churn launches rescue missions: "I'll personally handle these accounts from now on."
These reactions aren't random. They're part of a powerful psychological pattern that undermines even the most brilliant leaders – a pattern I've observed across hundreds of founder journeys (and yes, experienced myself more times than I care to admit).
It's called the Drama Triangle, and understanding it might be the most important leadership skill you haven't mastered yet.
The Architecture of Drama
Psychologist Stephen Karpman first described the Drama Triangle as three interconnected roles we unconsciously adopt when operating from a state of threat:
The Victim – "Life is happening to me."
- Feels powerless and acted upon
- Avoids responsibility
- Focuses on unfairness
- Phrases like: "Why does this always happen to me?"
The Villain – "It's their fault."
- Blames and criticizes
- Feels righteous and judgmental
- Creates division and disconnection
- Phrases like: "They never deliver what they promise."
The Hero – "I'll rescue everyone."
- Takes excessive responsibility
- Feels noble but creates dependency
- Reinforces others' sense of victimhood
- Phrases like: "I'll just handle this myself."
What makes this pattern so insidious is how quickly we cycle between roles. In the span of a single meeting, a founder might feel victimized by market conditions, blame their team for inadequate execution, and then heroically announce they'll personally solve everything.
Each position feels completely justified and true in the moment. Each drains energy, clouds judgment, and ultimately keeps you stuck.
The Triangle in Startup Life
The Drama Triangle manifests uniquely in entrepreneurial environments:
Fundraising: Victim to rejections, Villain to investors who “don’t get it," Hero to anxious team members worried about runway.
Product Development: Victim to missed deadlines, Villain to engineering, Hero to customers requesting features.
Team Performance: Victim to "team moving too slowly," Villain to under performers, Hero to the team by pumping them up with a motivational speech.
I recently witnessed a founder launch into this cycle after a missed product deadline. In our session, he moved from:
"We'll never hit our revenue targets now." (Victim)
"The engineering team doesn't understand urgency." (Villain)
"I need to step in and manage the team myself." (Hero)
Each statement felt true to him. And kept him trapped in the same cycle.
No One Is Immune – Even Coaches
What's humbling about this pattern is how it captures even those of us who teach others to avoid it.
Just recently, I experienced this firsthand after I announced a founder workshop in San Francisco. When initial sign ups were lower than I'd projected, I watched my mind cycle through the entire triangle in minutes:
"Poor me, it's so hard to get people to sign up for group experiences." (Victim)
"Don't they get what an incredible value this is? They'd have to pay 50x as much for these hours with me one-on-one." (Villain)
"Why do I even bother with these group offerings? I should just stick to one-on-one coaching." (Hero)
The power of these thoughts was striking – each felt completely justified and true in the moment. Each perspective created a different emotional state and would have led to different actions had I not recognized the pattern.
What I've learned is that the goal isn't to never experience these patterns – that's unrealistic. The measure of leadership maturity isn't whether you get on the triangle, but how quickly you recognize it and how skillfully you shift.
Shifting to Creator Consciousness
The antidote to the Drama Triangle isn't willpower or positive thinking—it's awareness and responsibility.
When you shift from below the line (state of threat) to above the line (state of presence), the three roles transform:
Victim → Creator
- Asks: "How am I creating this situation?"
- Takes responsibility without blame
- Focuses on what's within their control
- Sees challenges as learning opportunities
Villain → Challenger
- Offers growth-oriented feedback
- Applies loving pressure to help others grow
- Sees others' potential rather than flaws
- Challenges from care, not criticism
Hero → Coach
- Supports without rescuing
- Holds others as capable
- Asks questions rather than providing answers
- Creates systems rather than temporary fixes
This shift doesn't happen once. It happens again and again, situation by situation, through continuous practice of noticing and shifting.
Your Practice This Week
Notice when you find yourself on the Drama Triangle. Which role do you default to first? How quickly do you cycle to the others?
The next time you feel yourself getting pulled into drama, pause and ask: "How am I creating this situation?" This simple question can create the space needed to shift from reaction to response.
With love,
- Dave Kashen
P.S. If you catch yourself on the Drama Triangle this week, I'd love to hear about it. What situation triggered it, and what helped you shift?
