Why I'm Giving Up... 2024 Realizations
Dear friends,
A few weeks ago, I was sitting across from my coach, pouring out years of frustration.
I told her how disappointed and helpless I was feeling — how, despite all the work I’d done on myself, I was still battling the same old feelings of anxiety and sadness.
“I’ve done so much work,” I said, my voice trembling. “Fifteen years of retreats, courses, journeys, meditation, and inner work. I’ve worked harder on myself than anyone I know. Why am I still struggling with these feelings?”
She listened quietly, her eyes steady and full of compassion. Then she spoke.
Just four simple words.
Four words that pierced through the noise in my mind and hit me like a tidal wave. Almost immediately — I broke into tears. A dam inside me burst, and with it, the weight I’d been carrying for so long.
This moment, just a couple weeks ago, profoundly shifted something in me. And I think it will for you as well. It felt like a capstone moment in a year of profound realizations.
Before I dive into the full story, what she said, and how you can apply these lessons in your own life and business for the year ahead, let me share some of the visions and insights I’ve realized in 2024 and what led up to this conversation:
Visions Realized
In 2023, I did the Hoffman Process and Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within and Date with Destiny courses (ping me if you’re considering and want my input). I came away from these with a renewed sense of courage and feeling called to ‘play bigger’ in 2024. For me, playing bigger meant going beyond my 1:1 coaching and serving (many) more entrepreneurs. So, here’s what I did:
- Launched The Inner Game of Entrepreneurship newsletter — a free weekly newsletter where I’ll be sharing all the insights, frameworks, and tools that I’ve taught to some of the world’s most successful founders. (What you’re reading this on right now!)
- Launched The Inner Game of Entrepreneurship program — a 3-month course for founders to experience the shifts and growth my 1:1 clients do in a group experience. We’ve done 3 cohorts so far and I’m proud to say that participants have found the program to be transformational in their lives and startups, and many have continued to support one another beyond the program (yay!)
- Launched The Heart of Entrepreneurship podcast — a bi-weekly podcast with my dear friend and long-standing client, Jesse Pujji, where we talk about how to build a startup from a place of love, flow and inspiration instead of hustle, grind and fear. (let me know what you think…)
I also enjoyed many fun, warm times connecting with friends and family, skied 65 days, became a ski instructor for Sun Valley, took my family to Seville, Spain (where I’d studied abroad in college and dreamed of bringing my family back one day), surprised our boys (ages 15 and 12) with a Taylor Swift concert in London, saw Ben start high school, enjoyed reading a number of books by Adyashanti and completed Joe Hudson’s 7-day Groundbreakers retreat, which was a profound experience for me (I’ll write about it soon, ping me if interested).
Insights Realized
I might best describe 2024 as a deepening of my clarity around what I’ve heard called the “Via Negativa.” Meditation teacher Loch Kelly describes it this way:
“Via Negativa does not mean being negative. It is a way of negating all the many things that obscure the living truth of our being. It is the spiritual practice of deconstructing, dissolving, and letting go of what is not our true nature. We learn how to rest until what binds and blinds us finally relaxes. The search for who you are begins with letting go of everything and seeing who or what is left.”
To me, the Via Negativa is the path of releasing and letting go rather than striving and attaining. It’s a reflection of the notion that “it’s all, already here.” That we are, at our essence, already whole, perfect and complete. That we are not broken and don’t need fixing. That there is nothing wrong with you, and you are already totally worthy. The journey, then is not about becoming whole and worthy but realizing, not only intellectually but at the deepest felt sense, that you already are. It’s a reflection that everything you’re seeking is already within you. This is reflected in a few of my favorite quotes:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” — Rumi
“We must not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.” — T.S. Elliott
One way this process has been described is “self-realization” — realizing who you truly are.
How The Heck Do You Actually Do That?
(especially while trying to scale a startup or achieve professional success)
If I could give you one pragmatic, everyday practice for 2025, it would be this:
Drop your resistance.
If you do some honest reflection, you’ll see that you’re resisting quite many things. I know I have been. You are likely resisting:
- Tasks that you don’t want to do
- Feelings that you don’t want to feel
- Thoughts you don’t want to be having
- Habits that you wish you didn’t have
- Potential ‘bad’ outcomes you envision
I’d highly recommend as you do your 2024 reflecting, you add this reflection question:What have I been resisting in 2024?
Make a list of everything you can think of. And then ask yourself: what would my life be like if I stopped resisting these things?
If you’ve ever heard someone describe the distinction between power and force, force is resistance. Most people I know, myself included, have spent most of their lives and professional careers using force to try to control reality, create the outcomes they want and defend against that which they don’t want to experience. It’s exhausting, and I think this is the most deep and true cause of all the burnout we’re seeing and experiencing. Using force isn’t sustainable, it doesn’t feel good and it’s not even that effective.
Now, here’s the trick. We are scared that if we let go of resisting, we will lose the fight. “If I stop resisting doing this task, I’ll have to do it all the time. If I stop resisting sadness, I’ll be engulfed in it forever. If I stop resisting feeling fear and shame, I’ll be stuck in fear and shame. If I stop resisting indulging in sugary snacks, I’ll gorge on them and let my body go.” From my experience, the opposite is true.
What you resist, persists.
In nature, everything is dynamic. Life flows. The same is true for the human experience. It’s the resistance that actually keeps an experience going and has us feel trapped in it. Our tendency is to then resist it even more. Drop the resistance, and you’ll be back in flow. The feeling will move through you. You’ll get clear what you want to do, and do it. You’ll break the chains of bad habits. You’ll realize you have freedom and choice.
When famous artists describe creating their most masterful works, they often describe the art as coming through them; the experience is that they are simply the vessel. It’s their openness that allows the creativity to flow through them. Entrepreneurs and business leaders are creators of a different sort, and when they let visions and ideas flow through them, they are at the peak of their creative power. Leaders, at their best, harness and align the creative power of their teams.
Force is trying to control by fighting against life.
Power is creating by flowing with life.
The Turning Point
So, now onto the experience I had a few weeks ago with my coach that drove this all home for me.
After attending the 7-day Groundbreakers retreat in early October, I was on a high. I felt clear and present and in flow. I was overflowing with joy and aliveness. And, as these things do, the afterglow of the retreat faded and I started to feel heaviness, sadness, anxiety and frustration the past few weeks.
My wife would describe me as particularly irritable, snapping at her or the kids, getting really frustrated when I made a small mistake or something unexpected happened. I felt wound up, coiled, like a snake ready to strike. And I didn’t want to feel this way. It reminded me of every other time I’ve felt transcended during and after a retreat or journey or profound insights, only to find myself back down to ‘reality’ weeks later.
I spoke with my coach and was sharing how I feel like I’ve done SO MUCH WORK on myself over the last 15 years — retreats, courses, journeys, spiritual books, meditation, profound awakening experiences. I’m a conscious leadership coach myself — my whole life has been dedicated to being present, loving and thriving.
For background, I suffered from mild, periodic depression for most of my life until about 8 years ago, and even since then have experienced more sadness and anxiety than I’d expect given my life circumstances. I feel like I’ve been battling depression and anxiety my whole life, and I’ve been so committed, more than anyone I know to overcoming it. I’ve worked my ass off on my inner game. And yet, here I am, once again, struggling with anxiety and sadness. “I’m so tired of the struggle,” I shared.
She could sense my exasperation, and that’s when she responded with those four simple words:
“Give up the fight.”
They hit me like a tidal wave, and I immediately broke into tears...
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