Balance Surrender with Creating Change

A few days ago, I sent out my year-end reflections about letting go, “giving up the fight,” and flowing with life.

The response was overwhelmingly positive—people shared how much it landed for them, how deeply it resonated, and how much they needed to hear it.

But one piece of feedback stood out.

It came from a thoughtful founder who said:

“The whole point of coaching seems to be making change, but the whole point of your email seemed to be about…the opposite? Personally, I'm inspired by the stoics that indicate control isn't binary, but more about deciding what you can influence and what you can’t.”

This struck me because it highlights a paradox that I see a lot of clients struggle with. How do we reconcile surrendering and letting go of control with taking bold action and creating meaningful change?

It’s an important question, and it cuts straight to the heart of what I’ve been reflecting on as we step into the new year.

The truth is, surrendering and improving yourself aren’t opposites. Surrendering is actually one of the most profound things you can do to improve your experience of life and create the future you want with ease and joy.

(If you haven’t read my 2024 realizations yet, you can read it here)

But whether you’ve already embraced surrender or are still grappling with the paradox, let’s dive deeper into how letting go can unlock your power to create a life and business you truly love.

We Create As We Are

Most people are operating from a state of threat - perceiving that there’s something wrong with the way things are and that they need to control the future to be ok.

They’re resisting what is and trying to force an outcome that they believe will make them feel safe and well. To avoid feeling the fear, they retreat into their intellectual mind and attempt to create the illusion of certainty in an uncertain world. This takes us out of presence and flow.

Why does this happen? What is going on in the mind when it is trying to control outcomes?

At its core, every decision we make is an attempt to feel safe, powerful, and worthy of love. For our ancestors, being powerful and winning approval of the tribe were necessary for survival. We haven’t evolved that much neurobiologically over the last hundreds of years and so our minds are wired to seek security, control, and approval externally.

Which leads us to interpreting critical feedback, setbacks, challenges and uncertainties as if they’re threats to our survival.

The strategy looks like this:

• DO certain activities...
• ...to HAVE certain results...
• ...so you can finally BE safe, worthy and whole.

The only problem is: it doesn't actually work. In this strategy, the mind essentially treats our goals as means of survival, based on the false premise that you’re not already safe, worthy and whole.

And when you see through this false premise of your mind – the judgment that you are unworthy, not enough, and not safe, then you can flip the script.

Instead of DO>HAVE>BE you begin with BEing:

• BE the person you truly are at your core. (Let go of what’s in the way of recognizing your essential self)
• DO what flows naturally from that surrendered state of being.
• HAVE the outcomes that align with your authentic self as a natural creative expression

This isn’t about forcing yourself to “be better.” It’s about letting go of the lie that you’re not already enough.

And this is what it means to surrender and let go…

To let go of all these lies that you aren’t already whole, perfect, and complete. To let go of resisting certain feelings and aspects of experience so you can return to your natural state of flow.

Which allows you to powerfully create in the moment, spontaneously taking inspired action aligned toward your desired future…

Instead of living in your head trying to figure out the ‘right’ thing to do to control the future, and being attached to how things unfold.

How to Set Goals Without Attachment

Here’s where the distinction between preference and attachment becomes crucial.

When your goals are driven by attachment, they control you. The mind clings to specific outcomes, convinced your well-being and sense of worth depends on achieving them.

But when you let go of attachment, you still have preferences. You still have a vision, but you’re not attached to it. You’re free to pursue it from a place of alignment and flow, not desperation.

From this place of surrender:

• You can acknowledge and accept reality as it is.
• You envision your preferred future.
• You generate ideas and take actions for the joy of creating.
• Your goals no longer feel heavy or constraining—they’re light, inspiring, and aligned with your deepest values.

The Creative Tension Model

When you’ve moved from attachments to your preferences, is where the power of creative tension can come into play.

When you hold your current reality and your desired future in mind at the same time, you create a natural tension—one that inspires action to close the gap.

Generating Creative Tension

You hold both in mind simultaneously:

• This is where I am.
• This is where I want to go.

You learn to be with the paradox - accepting reality as it is and desiring something different in the future. And you move toward your vision, not out of lack or fear, but from inspiration and purpose.

Be mindful of the traps of wishing you were already there or letting your attention drift to your undesired future. These traps drain your energy and take you out of presence.

Collapsing the Desired Future into the present

Imagine what it’d be like if your entire team operated this way—creating from BE > DO > HAVE, with no one’s worth or fulfillment tied to a specific outcome…

Working towards a preferred vision from a source of purpose, flow and inspiration.

Examples of Surrender Creating Real Change

Here are some common challenges founders and leaders face, and how surrendering resistance can lead to breakthroughs:

• Micromanaging Your Team: If you’re constantly micromanaging, it’s likely because you’re resisting the fear of losing control. By surrendering the resistance to that fear and trusting your team, you create space for them to step up, take ownership, and bring their best work forward. The result? A more empowered team and less stress for you.
• Struggling with Fundraising or Sales: Resistance to rejection often keeps people from succeeding in fundraising or sales. When you let go of the resistance to the fear of hearing “no,” you approach conversations with confidence and curiosity. This shift creates authentic connections and ultimately better results.
• Improving Relationships: Whether it’s with a co-founder, spouse, or team member, resistance to difficult emotions—like the fear of conflict or vulnerability—can prevent relationships from deepening. Surrendering the resistance to that fear allows you to have honest conversations, build trust, and strengthen bonds.
• Prioritizing Your Health: Many people say they want to exercise or eat better, but resistance to discomfort or giving up indulgences keeps them stuck. For example: “I want to work out, but I don’t want to feel tired or sore.” By letting go of resistance to temporary discomfort, you align your actions with your true desire for health and vitality.
• Making Time for Strategic Thinking: Resistance to feeling unproductive can keep founders stuck in the weeds of daily tasks instead of focusing on long-term strategy. Letting go of the need to constantly "do" frees you to think, plan, and create at a higher level.
• Tackling Hard Conversations: Avoiding feedback or conflict often stems from resistance to discomfort or fear of failure. By surrendering the resistance to that fear, you open the door to resolution, growth, and stronger relationships.

Resistance Is Why Change Feels Hard

Often, when we’re stuck, it’s because one part of us wants to change, while another part resists.

• “I want to exercise, but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable.”
• “I want to eat healthy, but I also want to enjoy indulgences.”
• “I want to delegate more, but I don’t want to risk things going wrong.”

This inner conflict keeps us in a cycle of inaction or half-hearted attempts. But when you identify what you’re resisting—and find a way to honor both parts of yourself—you dissolve the tension.

For example:

• You might acknowledge that working out feels uncomfortable but also connect to the joy and energy it brings afterward.
• You could find healthy foods you genuinely enjoy instead of forcing yourself to “eat clean” in a way that feels restrictive.
• You might set clear expectations with your team while giving them the freedom to execute their way, meeting your need for control and their need for autonomy.

When resistance goes away, behavior improves naturally, and creating change becomes easier and more sustainable.

TLDR: The Nuance of Surrendering and Creating Change

Surrender isn’t about becoming apathetic; it’s about letting go of resistance and attachment to outcomes. This frees you to powerfully act with presence and flow.

Here’s how to create meaningful change without losing the power of surrender:

• Visualize your goals from a place of preference, not attachment. Hold your vision lightly—free from fear or desperation.
• Accept your current reality while moving toward your vision. Acknowledge ‘what is’ without collapsing the desired future into the present or dwelling on undesired outcomes.
• Recognize and honor inner conflict. Resistance arises when different parts of you are at odds; resolving this conflict with win-for-all solutions dissolves resistance and makes change effortless.
• Operate from BE > DO > HAVE. Surrender to the truth of who you already are, letting inspired action and aligned results flow naturally from this state.

This is the paradox of surrender: when you stop trying to control, you unlock the freedom and power to create. Because when you let go of attachment, you find freedom—not freedom from desire, but freedom within it.

But surrendering to create change has deeper layers to explore—layers around identity and identifying with your self-construct versus awareness itself, which is the root of all insecurity. There’s also more to uncover on the topic of self-improvement versus self-discovery. If you’re interested, I can share more on these in upcoming emails.

And if you’d like to read more about creative tension and how to correctly establish it for your company, you can read this here.​

With love,

- Dave Kashen

P.S. Let me know how you liked this email. Helpful? Not helpful? Let me know if there’s anything specific you’d like to hear from me or anything you’d like me to go deeper on!