Why Most Negotiations Fail Before They Begin

The skill of conscious negotiation is one of the most important skills you could learn.

You use it to develop your team, to fundraise, with your cofounders, and even with your spouse, significant other or kids. Because everything in life is interpersonal.

But when one of my coaching clients comes to me with an interpersonal conflict, disagreement, or challenge that requires some form of negotiation, I often do something that catches them off guard.

I listen to their situation and their perspective. And instead of jumping in to help them solve it, I just say these two words:

"Prove it."

Usually dumbfounded, they'll respond confused: "Prove... prove it's not fair?"

"Yes," I'll say, “prove it.”

They scramble for justification – the numbers, the work they've done, the value their partner hadn't created, specific circumstances.

But as we dig deeper, something becomes clear:

Their justifications are the exact thing preventing them from actually finding a solution and getting what they want in the first place.

Because when you're focused on justifying why you're right, you can't uncover the real underlying issues.

What Harvard Gets Right (And What It Misses)

Harvard Business School teaches interest-based negotiation – the idea that positions (what people initially ask for) are rarely the real issue. The underlying interests (what they actually want and need) usually are.

But here's what most negotiation training misses: Before you can get curious about their interests, you have to get curious about your own stories.

Because when you're operating from threat – convinced someone doesn't respect you or is trying to screw you over – you literally cannot access the curiosity required for real negotiation.

Your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode, scanning for evidence to confirm your story instead of seeking to understand theirs.

When Being Right Goes Wrong

Most negotiations fail before they even begin.

Not due to ineffective tactics or having no leverage, but because of a fundamental misunderstanding about what negotiation actually is.

We think negotiation is about being right. About proving our position. And about manipulating the situation into getting our ‘win’.

But here's the thing – fairness is always a story. And when two people argue about whose story is more "fair," you just get two people trying to be right instead of two people trying to create a workable resolution.

We confuse facts (what a video camera would record) with stories (our interpretations and assumptions). Phrases like "You're disrespecting me!" or "You don't care about this project!" are stories, not observable facts.

This is the fundamental error that turns collaboration into combat.

The Framework for Conscious Conflict Resolution

After working with leaders through thousands of difficult conversations, here are five key steps that transform conflict from adversarial to collaborative (credit to Conscious Leadership Group for first teaching me most of this):

1. Establish Commitment to Win-for-All Solutions

Enter the interaction with a senior intention to improve the condition of the relationship.

Instead of being committed to figuring out how to get what you want, commit to finding a win-for-all solution where you both get what you want.

Once you're willing to commit to finding a win-for-all resolution, ask and clarify with the other person: "Are you willing to create an outcome where we both feel good about this?"

The goal is establishing this agreed commitment where creative solutions emerge that allow everyone to win.

2. Suspend Your 'Rightness'

Release your need to be right and become willing to hear anything, even if it's harsh.

Your interpretation of events isn't reality – it's just one possible interpretation. Ask yourself: "How might the opposite of my story be as true or truer than my story?"

Get genuinely curious instead of defending your position. Frame it as asking for help: "Can you help me understand what's most important to you in this situation?"

Consult, don't argue. As far as they're concerned, it's always a YOU problem, never a THEM problem. Never make them wrong.

3. Listen with Genuine Care

Care about them as a human being. Hold their wellbeing with great importance without sacrificing what you want.

Listen from three levels simultaneously:

• Head: What are they actually saying? (Content)
• Heart: What are they feeling? (Emotion)
• Gut: What do they most deeply want? (Underlying need)

Two-way communication and emotional connection matters infinitely more than just the content of what's said.

So look for the emotional component underneath the facts. Most conflicts have feelings that need to be acknowledged before resolution becomes possible.

The most powerful question isn't "How do I get what I want?" It's "What does this person think, feel, and most deeply want?" When you genuinely care about discovering the answer, everything shifts.

4. Face What You're Avoiding

Surface conflict often masks a deeper issue you don't want to address.

The CEO fighting with his CFO over every decision might actually be avoiding the painful truth that it's time to part ways.

Ask yourself with complete honesty: "What about this situation am I not fully facing?"

5. Don't Take It Too Seriously

Conflict feels deadly serious when it threatens our need for approval, control, or security. But this seriousness activates fear, which destroys creative thinking.

Ask yourself: "Will this matter in 5 years, 10 years, 25 years?"

This single perspective shift opens up creative solutions that fear-based thinking blocks completely.

The moment you stop justifying your stories and defending against those others have – and instead start exploring reality – the entire dynamic shifts.

Not by using better tactics or having more leverage, but by creating the conditions for actual communication and connection.

I've found that if you're both genuinely open and curious and willing to commit, you can typically find a win-for-all solution.

That's the secret most negotiation training misses: What you say doesn't matter as much as the mutually established purpose of the conversation, which cultivates an environment of real connection.

When you show up curious instead of righteous, you transform conflict into collaboration. When you hold your story lightly, you create space for new possibilities to emerge.

The next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation, try this: Instead of focusing on being right, get curious about what might be true that you can't see yet.

You might discover that what felt like a negotiation was actually an invitation to understand each other.

With love,

- Dave Kashen

P.S. Have a difficult conversation you've been avoiding? Try this approach and come back to this email to let me know how it goes.