Why We Resist Joy (Without Even Realizing It)

We say we want happiness.

We chase success, freedom, and fulfillment.

Yet when joy arrives… we resist it.

Not consciously. We don’t wake up thinking, Let me sabotage my happiness today.

But in subtle ways, we deflect, dismiss, and diminish the very things that would bring us the most peace, connection, and fulfillment.

This is one of the most surprising insights I’ve uncovered in coaching founders:

People are more afraid of joy than they are of fear, sadness, or pain.

It sounds absurd—until you see it in action.

The Unconscious Fear of Feeling Good

The brain prioritizes familiarity over happiness.

As one of my teachers said: “the conditions we learn to survive become the conditions upon which our continued survival depends.”

If you’ve spent years in stress, striving, and self-criticism, then that is what feels safe.

Joy, on the other hand, requires openness. Presence. Surrender.

It’s way less familiar for most people.

And opening to it can feel like a threat.

We resist joy in ways that seem logical:

• Downplaying wins – “That was great, but here’s what still needs work.”
• Avoiding celebration - "Let’s not get complacent.”
• Deflecting appreciation – “It wasn’t just me. The team did all the work.”
• Scanning for problems – When things are going well, looking for what’s missing.
• Feeling restless on vacation – Because your system is addicted to urgency.

Most of us are constantly looking for what’s missing instead of celebrating what’s here.

Somewhere deep down, part of you believes:

• If I stop pushing, I’ll fall behind.
• If I let myself feel too good, I’ll lose my edge.
• If I get too joyful, it’ll all be taken away.

Sound familiar?

It’s not a personality trait. It’s a survival pattern—one that can be rewired.

The Conditional Mind

The mind operates conditionally.

It doesn’t believe you deserve joy, love, or appreciation yet—not until you’ve met some arbitrary standard of achievement.

If you haven’t “earned it,” the mind won’t grant you permission to feel it.

It believes you have to sacrifice to get what you want.

• “I’ll feel proud once I reach $10M ARR.”
• “I’ll be at peace once I fix every issue in the company.”
• “I’ll be happy once I’m 100% sure nothing will go wrong.”

But here’s the trap:

When you hit the goal, the mind just keeps moving the goalpost, so joy is always something for later.
Not now. Not yet.

This is why so many high achievers feel empty despite success—they’ve trained themselves to postpone joy indefinitely.

Instead of joy, you get more conditions.

And so, when someone sees you, loves you, and appreciates you, your mind rejects it—because it hasn’t been “granted permission” yet to receive it by these external circumstances.

Breaking this cycle requires reversing the mindset of DO > Have > BE to BE > DO > Have.

The truth is, at the level of your being, you are already whole, worthy and complete. You are already deserving of joy, fulfillment and peace. You deserve to have what you want.

Think of a baby being born. Is that baby worthy? Intuitively, we know it is.

And yet it hasn’t accomplished anything besides pooping and crying! You were once that baby.

You were born worthy, always have been, and always will be.

Breaking Free: Expanding Your Capacity for Joy

Here’s how you can begin training your nervous system to allow more joy, ease, and fulfillment—without losing your drive:

1. Notice the Resistance in Real Time

The next time something great happens—a big win, a compliment, a moment of deep peace—watch what your mind does.

Do you immediately:

• Find something else to worry about?
• Minimize the achievement?
• Distract yourself with work?
• Feel restless or undeserving?

Just notice it.

That resistance isn’t a sign something is wrong. It’s a sign you’re expanding beyond your old limits.

2. Build Your "Joy Tolerance"

If you quickly dismiss feeling good, just increase your capacity to hold it.

Try this:

• Take 30 seconds to sit with a moment of joy—let yourself fully feel it.
• Breathe through the discomfort. If joy makes you squirm, take deep breaths and allow it to stay.
• Say out loud: “It’s safe for me to feel joy.” (Yes, literally say it.)

With practice, joy becomes more familiar and less threatening.

3. Shift from Striving to Allowing

Hustle culture teaches us that more effort = better results.
But there’s another way.

• Instead of grinding for success, try letting success emerge naturally.
• Instead of fighting for control, try trusting and seeing what unfolds.
• Instead of believing joy will make you complacent, recognize that joy fuels creativity, energy, and resilience.

Most founders think they need to suffer their way to success.

But the reality is, the more joy you allow, the better you lead.

Want to See a Live Example of This Resistance to Joy?

Ever noticed how uncomfortable it feels to receive appreciation? How quickly your mind brushes off a compliment or shifts focus to what’s next instead of what’s here?

We expanded on this in the latest episode of The Heart of Entrepreneurship—and it got real.

We did some live coaching where our amazing host, Andrew Warner (Bootstrapped Giants CEO), confronted his own resistance to receiving acknowledgment—in real time.

You’ll see exactly how this plays out in a founder’s mind and how to start breaking free.

📺 Watch it here:

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With love,

- Dave Kashen

P.S. If you know a founder who’s always in “what’s next?” mode, forward this to them. They might need this more than they realize.